Dogs Who Grieve
Some thoughts today on Marlowe and the loss of Duchess.
I’m missing Duchess today. I miss her everyday, but somedays hit me harder than others. I realized that yesterday was 10 months since we said goodbye. That’s only 2 months away from the 1 year mark. Where I can no longer think ‘this time last year, Duchess….’ and that hurts.
Something that has heightened my grief is seeing Marlowe go through the same process, and noticing how much it has changed her. 2021 was hard on her, with bedrest for me putting an abrupt end to our fun, the arrival of our human baby, and the loss of her best friend a few months later. I worry that Marlowe is forever changed.
And today it hit me that she didn’t get to say goodbye to Duchess. Would she have understood what was going on had she had that chance? I don’t know. I wish I knew how animals perceived death. In a haste we carried Duchess out the door, on a hope and a prayer that she would come back home, only to return with empty hands and broken hearts.
I got Marlowe for Duchess. Duchess was still very fearful and I thought a confident puppy would help her out, which it did. I chose the puppy who was off in the corner happily doing her own thing as the others jumped at me and ate my shoes. That voice in my head and it’s knowledge of behaviour said ‘don’t do it, don’t pick the odd one out.’ But I couldn’t help myself, I was drawn to her.
It took Duchess months to warm up to Marlowe, but Marlowe was instantly attached to Dutch. Dutch would just quietly move away when she needed space from the wild child. When Duchess was asleep Marlowe would sneak over and snuggle up to her, taking the opportunity to be close to her. I love a series of photos I have of Marlowe squeezed into Duchess’ crate, the fit getting tighter and tighter as Marlowe grew. One day I heard commotion in the bedroom and snuck over to see what was going on. They were playing and it was the first time I’d seen Duchess play. That sealed it, they were best friends from then on.
“My girls” as we called them, went everywhere with me and were together every day. They brought out the best in each other and in me. Marlowe gave Duchess so much confidence. On walks if Duchess got scared and froze we could bring Marlowe closer and then they’d walk on together. Marlowe taught Duchess how to play and they had wild silly moments that brought me so much joy. Duchess brought calm energy to their relationship. If Marlowe got out of hand Duchess would shut her right down. When we added River to the mix she did the same. Duchess kept everyone in line in a very calm and appropriate way. Often in the morning Marlowe and River would take turns laying in front of Duchess to get their faces affectionately licked by her. The matriarch of our family. She did the same for me too. If I was upset or stressed she would come over and lay her heavy head in my lap and a wave of calm would come over me. What I would give to feel the weight of her head on me. And how my girls loved to cuddle up with each other. I’d often turn a corner and there they were squeezed onto a bed together, their matching fur all blended in. Duchess often resting her head on Marlowe’s back. I can’t describe the joy I got just seeing their love for each other.
As Duchess aged and slowed down so did Marlowe. I eventually had to do 2 walks, one slower one with them both together and then another one with just me and Marlowe. On our walks together Marlowe rarely pulled me along. It’s like she knew our pace had to be whatever Duchess set it as and that was OK. Duchess taught her to find joy in stopping to smell the roses, so to speak.
Marlowe has really changed since losing Duchess. Some days I think that spark in her eyes is just gone. And maybe it’s gone from me too. Duchess really made us both who we are and without her we are different. I hold so much guilt in how much time Everett takes up that is no longer available to Marlowe. My “lil baby” as we have always called her, has had her world turned upside-down. Mud holes no longer bring joy in splashing around and getting filthy as her and Duchess would romp around at any opportunity.
Sometimes I think Marlowe looks at me wondering what happened to me and why I’m so different. Between the loss of Duchess and becoming a mother within months of each other, I’m not sure I know who I currently am either. But to honour Duchess I try my best, because I know she’d want us to carry on and enjoy each other and smile each day as we did with her. When Everett is asleep I make sure Marlowe gets a good cuddle in. Agility is an activity we’ve always done just us two, so I’m glad to be able to do that more often with her and it brings us closer together. I enjoy long nature walks with Marlowe but I think we both feel an emptiness that Duchess is not walking beside us. Now that Everett is getting a bit older I am really trying to find the time to play with Marlowe and work on some skills, as she loves to work with me and she’s so smart. Lately I’ve seen her grab a toy and run at me with that playful bounce, and I’m happy to see her spark return for a moment. Everett brings out the best in me, like Duchess did, and I’m thankful to have him and can’t imagine how I’d cope with the loss of my sweet girl without him to fill my days with distraction and my heart with love. I’m trying to be that outlet for Marlowe too.
I grieve the loss of Duchess, she was my soulmate, my whole world. I also grieve for Marlowe who lost a sister and best friend and also has had to deal with changes in me and in our life, and I grieve for who the two of them were together, and for who the three of us were together. And for my life with them and my identity before becoming a mother. So much changed so quickly.
My yard this year has been full of purple flowers that I haven’t planted. This spring an entire side of our acreage blossomed with lilac bushes and I swear they had not blossomed in the 3 previous springs we have been here and I didn’t know they existed before. Maybe it’s just nature but I like to think it’s Duchess making sure we know she is still with us.